Wednesday, April 11, 2012

.FOOrD BLOOrG. Cheers, me wee babes!!! (EPIC EDITION)

I will always be one of the first people to admit that there is great evil in this world. (Whoa, that isn't funny...nice intro. eh?) It is a realization I had early in my life and I doubt that I am alone. As a child there are monsters under beds and ghosts within attics. (Evil stalks your elementary school halls mocking anyone short, fat, or tall.) I used to pretend that if I didn't climb the stairs fast enough than the devil got my soul. (That is not a joke.) However when those stairs had been ascended there was cause for celebration and everyone celebrates differently. Yet in gatherings it is customary to cheers toward what is to come or friendships that have been made and fourties are tipped to fallen friends. We are going to focus on the cheers today. (You can tip your super sip to the canceling of Smurfs in your own time machine.)

My point is innocence can be hell and the road to being an adult is often paved with tombstones of those less fortunate. By the time you are an adult you should celebrate any chance you get. Cheers your friends and be exhaulted by them in return. Today we will be looking at some adult beverages and in doing so I would like to propose a toast to you and yours that you hold dear. (3 out of 5 of these do contain alcohol and I ain't saying that is needed to celebrate or have fun. You do what is best for you....Like drink a chard milkshake or clap at each other while one does a sit up.....I don't know you. I ain't judging. Cheers to you and your freaky healthy ways.) I am just drippin' knowledge here. 

Lastly I'd like to quote the wisdom of the mighty Winona Ryder "Lick it up, baby. Lick it up."~Heathers




So first up this fine day/night (depending on when you read this) is a Yuzu Citrus Sake. Yuzu is kinda a half lemon half tangerine fruit. (Sorta.) Sake is a wine derived from fermented rice. (Pretty much.) Sarah found this for a dinner we were having but throughout the evening it got lost in the shuffle of our fridge. For weeks it sat in the door awaiting judgement. See, neither of us has ever had good sake. (Sake we thought was good. Not to be confused with the good sake a friend forces on you which you try begrudgingly and it tastes like an accidentally twice used towel in a sauna. Ewe, stranger nooks and crannies!)

Now before we get to the night of judgement lets us take a closer look.




First you might notice the traditional drinking vessels for sake have been replaced with shot glasses and then you might notice that there are three. Next you might notice that there is a cap from a Sodastream in the shot as well as our sink. Interesting things to include in a photo, yes? Well all of these things are clues to when we tried this drink. The three glasses are because Dave helped us with this one and of course Sarah and I. The type of glasses and odd who gives a funk photo style are because it was 2:30 am on a saturday....er..sunday. We had been cheersing.

Now to be honest, I don't directly recall what it tasted like other than it was not good. I have stared at these pictures and nothing really comes to mind. So, being resourceful, I texted D and he replied "I barely remember drinking it. I remember not being impressed." Hmmm. Not the best reviews so far. 2 out of three have little to contribute. S had better recall more than this. Luckily she did. "It tasted bad. Like rotten rice and vinegar." That was when I remembered that it did taste like rotten vinegar. A cloud opened in my head and I could see me making the Mr. Yuck face. Alright. We did it. Not exactly an engrossing review but the path to get there was a lot of fun. If you don't believe me just ask D or me about our new best friend Popsicle Tompkins. I will give this drink a 1-I always expect cheers for taking a shower because I hate showers (not because I am a hippie, it is because I hate shaving my face but not as much as I hate looking like that dwarf in LOTR "And my Axe (body spray)").-out of 5.




Next we have a big beer. A big expensive beer. Somehow the beer.wine people at upscale super markets see me coming and they just throw out buzz words until one sticks. Well this beer was almost 11 dollars. All it took was for them to tell me it was imported from the italian alps. I don't know if there even are alps in Italy or if that is a figure of speech. "Oh, Mount Hood is the Oregonian Alp." Like a sucker though I had to get it. I knew if it wasn't good that I would be bummed because there was so much of it. Then I thought "easy I will wait until D comes over and then we shall devastate it." I didn't wait though.
I opened it and here is how it went




The beer had a light pilsner type of oder and a hint of dirty sponge. Damn. I thought it might be skunky or really tinny but I forgot that some wheat beers taste like dirty sponges to S and I. Luckily the taste wasn't as brutal as I had thought. The flavor was more like an upscale pilsner but there was something that I just couldn't put my finger on that I really wasn't grooving on. There were 3 or four kinds. Maybe I should have got a different one but if you make an 11 dollar beer not everyone can buy them all at once. Do I recommend buying it? Not really. By a bottle of italian wine at the wine shop on Hawthorne. Same price or cheaper and far more enjoyable. (I guess you do have to pay the price of idiots on Hawthorne though. I think the only thing people should be legally able to give a street musician (other than the finger obviously) is a flyer for an open mic. That way they can quit forcing people to listen to their awful versions of already bad songs. I mean dude, nobody is going to by your sh*tty pucca shell anklet no matter how much pain you sound like you are in. Oh, I forgot to tell you that the open mic is in the ocean. In the part of the ocean where the sharks are. Just file street musicians under shark part of ocean, please.)

Oh yes, the biere. 2(for being moderately drinkable)-It is always acceptable to cheers a scatological joke especially of somebody doesn't get your joke and double points if it is in public.-out of 5.





This beverage was found while we were on Alberta with K, E, & Z. It was acquired while we couldn't be home and they took kindness on our nomadic souls. (That sounds weird.) We easily cheers the most with K&E. We often laugh until we cry and they K and I sit on a porch and fillet life and its misgivings while S and E have a dance party. Try and tell me that isn't worth a never ending cheers. Just like Never Ending Story but with out the wolf, rock guy, turtle, flying dog and that girly looking kid. Same thing other wise.

Anyway, there is a wine/beer store on Alberta and the guy was quite nice and approachable but also fine if you just want to browse. On my own I found this odd bottle and once I read that it contains cherry I had to get it. See, there are some flemish ales that I love. It is kinda like if Sweetarts and beer had a baby. (If you know me, you understand what I just said. CHEERS!) So I kinda expected a lot from this. I know that isn't fair. We just met, this beer and I, but I still have to project my sh*t on it and bring all this snack baggage. Hey, life isn't a fair. (That is a saying right? I am not known for listening.)






Wow, this thing is darker than I thought.  It had a nice effervescence to it and a fruity aroma. My first sip revealed a mega cherry flavor. A deep, tart, intoxicating flavor. That being said, it is probably best if you order this (what are you a king?) or buy it that you enjoy cherry flavor. The beer side of things is solid but the tart cherry flavor is the dominator here. Also this beverage rings in at 8 percent. I'd say a little goes a long way. I'd also say "MMMMMMMMMMM" because it was fantastic. If you or someone you cheers likes fruit and beer combinations then acquire this post haste. 5-I only cheers test scores ranging from 69%- 78%. Hey, we don't need no show boating. You upper 80s and 90 percenters are just braggarts and philistines. Mid range is human. Anything above is a sign they are a witch and should be burned or filed under shark part of ocean with their stinky street musician brethren.-out of 5.





Ok, I know we usually only cover three snacks a post but here we are at four. We need a boost of energy and luckily we have an energy drink that our good pal Nate not only found but shipped to me for this blog. That is worthy of at least a month of stone cold muh fuggin CHEEERSSSSSSIN!!! (What? He is a super cool guy. Sup Dawg. (No he doesn't have a dog.)) Look at how bad ass this label is. I mean most energy drinks just go for script or have somebody doing an active activity like soccer or football (same thing) but look at this thing. A COW SKULL? Seriously? With a friggin' eagle on it? And look in the background. Is that flippin' MARS?!?! Is Mars glistening? WTF Is happening on this drink? Will I go insane on this space shaman pop? (All of this and more....well, just keep reading.)

This was found at an asian market I believe. I have seen it as well at Fubonn but have never purchased it. Nate put it in my hands and so here we go.






Well first let us look at the ingredients. Hmm. Yup. Alright. Oh, very interesting.





Energy drinks are like the fortune tellers of the pee world. You know? They have that odd yellow kind of motor oil color and smell like the medicine meth kids would take to avoid colds. An hour after you drink it, your pee looks and smells the same. I mean, what is it that makes all energy drinks have that smell and odd taste? Who decided that was awesome? Regardless this energy drink tastes like any other energy drink. The only odd thing about it is that it has little to no carbonation. Which is rather unsettling. Any flat beverage that you anticipate having bubbles is pretty sad. The flavor is dead on energy drink though. Flat weird labeled energy drink that says "EXPORT ONLY" on the bottle. Now if they only want it served outside of their country you KNOW it must be good. I give this weird drink a 2-I will cheers anyone who randomly does a cartwheel. Although as one gets older it is sometimes better to just mention a cartwheel and remember.-out of 5. (Double cheers apply if cartwheel is done inside a bank or credit union.)





Lastly we have a tiny soda hailing from Winco because poor people need to cheers things as well. (I mean the only Cheers a poor person has is the knock off Chearz detergent to get the mustard stains out their droors.) . . . (Wait, why did they have mustard on their drawers? Oh, they were making night sandwiches in their skibbys probably. Ok, carry on) ...(Wait, why do I think I get to make fun of poor people? I am poor.-sigh)

Lets start over. This soda was like 19 cents or something ridiculous. Now again, I am all for small soda servings. Little kids don't need a 12 ounce soda. They maybe need 4 ounces and some Sweetarts. Maybe. Or maybe just Sweetarts. Yeah, that sounds better. BUT if you must by a soda why not a tiny one? Here is a picture just to show scale.






Now a small soda is a legit idea in my opinion. I am not a soda drinker though. I drink coffee, beer/wine/gin, and water. (Most likely in that order.) Giant sodas don't make sense to me. When people walk out of a 7-11 with a bucket of pop, I think to myself "That is probably for a whole family of ten. Not just for them to take to a chair somewhere and consume by themselves in the dark... in a nest of Doritos and Combos bags." I give them the benefit of the doubt. I am a giver.

I drink coffee black. Others might say "gross" to that because they only like coffee with cream and sugar and ice cream. To that my reply is "You don't like coffee. You like milkshakes. Go drink a milkshake. You are holding up the line ordering your weird ass sh*t that is so thick somebody had to specially engineer a larger sized straw. While I appreciate you creating a job for that engineer/imagineer I have to point out the flaw in your logic. You don't need that milkshake to wake up but you do need that to pave the way for diabetes.

I recently saw a commercial for a product that you add to plain frosting and suddenly you have that flavor for your cake. Well, the first one was like strawberry or something and I thought that wasn't unreasonable. Then they said CINNAMON ROLL! Suddenly my mind snapped. I thought "Who is this person eating cake and was like "This cake is OK but I sure wish it was a cinnamon roll." "(Can you use quotes inside quotes?) HOW ABOUT YOU EAT YOUR G.D. CAKE AND ENJOY IT FOR BEING CAKE. Besides what is the difference between cake and cinnamon rolls? CINNAMON. Be a frickin' genius and put cinnamon on your cake if it matters to you so much. Still not enough? Pour some butter on it. Hey, eventually you will get it right or die trying. Either way, that product and the IDEA that maybe they have received enough letters to create this, and you ARE stupid. Proof that evolution has stopped quickly in its tracks and is wheezing on the floor watching what ever it is a Kardashian does. Proof that if you aren't part of the problem and are around to watch the world burn, you will probably smell over done french toast.

How was the soda? Not bad. A sweet apple flavor with a soft amount of carbonation. Not syrupy as some sodas can be. Taking in where it is from and what it is I am surprised to say that I am ok with it.
The name, however, Fruti King? Seriously? Fruti...King. Nobody? What was King Fruity taken? I am going to be the bigger man here and not make any obvious jokes. I am just going to leave that to you. (If you have one message me it.)


I give it a 2.5-We cheers before every meal. Truth. It signifies thanks for whichever one of us made it and that we are enjoying it together not just stuffing our craws in close vicinity. Give it a try.-out of 5.

*As always thanks to my friends and lady for making this post possible. S, N, D, K, E. Cheers.

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