Well summer is only a few months away which makes this the popular time when people start making the choice to exercise and/or make changes to what they are eating. Often people will make substitutions to meals. "Yeah, I will get the double bacon triple cheese deep fried burger but instead of fries I will have the tots." (They can't all be 100%) Some people make better choices than others.
Now I am not saying that you should eat healthy if you aren't or even that it is important to be able to wear a swimsuit. Heck, people see my flesh so rarely that it is often is a topic of conversation. "Have you seen dirk's feet? "No." "Me either. He DOES have feet right? I am suddenly worried. You know what? They are probably hooves." (First of all, those last two guys were total d!cks. I do have feet and they are normal webbed toed feet like everyone else. Secondly, not everyone needs to walk about in flip flops exposing their walnut-knuckled hairy toes. Dudes-that goes for you too.) Don't get me started on being shirtless. Ain't going to happen. (No tourists allowed.)
However, every time I hear about substitutions or choices it reminds me of one of my favorite improv games. (Those of you who know me, know that I have been in a few improv groups over the years. Those of you who really know me, know that I couldn't leave that on the stage and really have never stopped playing in my everyday life.) That game is New Choice. How it works is that someone says "I have lost my cat." Then another person says "new choice." The first person then has to change what they said to something like "I ate my cat.....and I miss him." The other person, if they like that direction then allows the scene to move forward until they feel the need to "new choice" again. You can also say "new choice on how you are standing" or whatever motion wise as well.
How great would it be if that was used in everyone's everyday life? Answer: SUPER GREAT! (new choice) Not all that keen. (new choice) What if vegans get to heaven and all the angel gowns are made of bacon and nobody can be nude. And then god is like "hey, get in on these sweet ass bacon gowns." And the vegans are like but this isn't our scene and god is like "What did you just say to me? Don't sass me!" And then the vegans are cursed to a century of doing the funky chicken because god doesn't judge but he probably has a sweet ass sense of humor.
Here is a helpful scenario: you enter a room and stub your pinkie toe on a table leg. (A terrible pain. An infuriating situation.) Normally this could be quite maddening and you'd swear. Who knows, it might even be enough to derail your day. So here is how you "new choice" it. Right after you stub your toe, when you'd normally swear, you exclaim "NEW CHOICE!" and then hobble out of the room. Then you re-enter the room. Perhaps this time you are swinging your arms like a monkey and you then squat on that table and eat a banana. First things first: That is a rad way to enter a room. Second things second: it is pretty to be hard mad when pretending to eat a banana plus that table just got owned. Your day is safe to progress. Nice work.
Now if it was to work in society people would have to be on the honor system. So if say, you were about to cross the street, it is cold and raining and a lady in a minivan does the whole I don't see you waiting (Which I have to say, moms in mini vans are some of the most self absorbed and rude people on the planet. Here is an idea: How about all people should be treated like they matter not just your hell spawn. Nobody owes you anything. You can wait in line like everyone else. Too busy? Well quit creating little, loud, smelly, jobs for yourself.) thing. Now instead of flipping her off (which probably doesn't happen enough) you yell "new choice on how you make me wait in the rain!" This forces her, by law, to circle around the block and pass you again. This time however she is blind folded or ghost riding her whip or surfing on top like Teen Wolf. I would feel better. I bet you would too and she'd have to deal with the fact that she doesn't care about others which will hopefully make her less of a beast. (If that is possible. That very situation has happened to me more times than there are mustaches at a Le Tigre concert.)
Wow. What an intro. Well, if you boil all that down, you get that today's post is about making a choice to eat something healthier. Huh. Should have just said that. (I should really get an editor. These things would be like ten sentences.) Todays 1 to 5 scale will be brought to you by my own new choice confessions.
So first up today we have this "fruit leather" which Sarah and I found at whole foods. You remember fruit leather right? It was in a bright colored package and it looked reddish or purple. It smelled of crushed fruit and possibly a cup of sugar. It was nothing short of a delight. Now look at that picture above. If this product was said on NPR this is exactly what I would picture. I can hear that bored voice saying it as I read it. This product had better be for adults because if you, as a parent, put this in your kid's lunch rest assured that you are a jerk through and through. (I mean what do you feed your kids for breakfast other than excuses to complain about later in life?)
We can also see that this "fruit leather" is gluten-free and raw. So we certainly know we are in boringsville where they serve only one dish: buyers remorse. Lets look at the back.
I don't really have anything to add to that. Sounds like a solid plan except the no fun part. Now I get choosing a soy latte over a fat one.(?) Because in that situation you want your caffeine. Who is jonesing so hard for a fruit roll up but wants it to be super healthy? Why wouldn't you just eat fruit? Like real normal state fruit? Yeah I said super healthy. The ingriedients are orange, banana, and kale. Yes. Kale. Oh my, well who needs sugar with those three sweet things? I mean, who designed this? A professor who is an ACTUAL salad? "Goodness, I really must invent something delicious to eat!" said Professor Salad Head. "I simply can't "leaf" this inventing thing to laymen whom possibly like fun." (Coming to NBC next fall.)
Ok look at that thing. It felt as dry as it looked and it smelled like if you borrowed a prune's old leather jacket. I asked Sarah to join me on todays post. Her response will proceed an S.
S-No. It tastes like soap.
d-Ugh. It is easy to tell at first that this isn't good. The feel is dry and perfumey. Then the ground ginger in it comes on like the smell of 1000 grannies in your mouth. (Oh sweety, you should brush more. When are you gunna get married. Those space babies aren't gunna birth themselves!-That last one is Gertrude. She ain't been right in the head since she heard Rock Hudson was gay.) It really tastes like soap. Really bad but healthy for you soap. I got no lime and no positive experience from this at all. Plus it was like a buck fifty or so for this disappointment. I give this a 0-If you are ever thinking that having an ex-girlfriend pierce your ears in a mall is a good idea. New choice yourself. They are going to be crooked and both will scar you for life.-out of 5.
This snack comes from Japan! Just look at all those symbols telling people something that I don't understand. That is ok. I don't feel left out. Simply because all I need is that onion with the head band. Check that onion man out! (You know, every time I ride the bus I am pretty sure there is at least one onion man or woman on it.) He looks pretty cool! (I wonder if he knows Prof. Salad head? He probably doesn't. He most likely has a pretty dour existence. Onions are pretty goth. Think about it, every time he cuts himself EVERYONE cries.) This guy though seems pretty nifty.
Well clearly the nutrition facts are in order. Obviously I ordered this as a substitution for a potato chip. I imagine it is healthier and less starchy. I didn't go to food college though. An interesting fact is that this bag is really light. Like really light. The contents weigh a whopping total 17 grams. That is less than an ounce like a 1/2 ounce. The price tag was 2.50 and we won't discuss the shipping.
What you see is actual slices of onion that has been treated in some way. It feels like a cross between styrofoam and a piece of dried apple. It smells like onion. There is something new but also comforting about this one.
S-It is like those crispy onions that people put on caseroles. It is good. Tastes a lot like astronaut ice cream.
d- Yeah. You are totally right. This is onion astronaut ice cream.
These really were pretty great. Quite expensive for what you get but at least good tasting. If they were sold in the states I would buy them again. I give this snack a 4.5- if you are a bird legged small kid when a fashion craze like spandex comes around just "new choice" yourself on the morning when you wake up and decide 6th grade is a good time to wear those spandex with big pink stripes up the sides to school. Take a long look in the mirror. See how they are hanging baggily around your tiny famine thighs. New choice those shorts buddy. Otherwise you are in for a real long day of being quite self conscious and will have to later blog about it in a blog dedicated to snacks.-out of 5.
Ok, I will first address the giant animal free elephant in the room. "Jerquee" is really close to being the worst word ever. One letter off actually. (I did a google search to see if anyone of any nationality was named Jerqueepha or Jerqueest Love. I didn't find anything.)
Also I would like to add that using the word beef in quotes makes it super creepy. Try it. Say the word beef to someone and do the air quotes with your fingers. Watch as their face slowly changes expressions as their brain goes "Wha? Is it not beef? Was it at one time beef? Is the beef in question in fact chicken?"
Sorry this photo is so blurry but the best part is that it states "...the worlds best-tasting "vegetarian jerky." That is a relief. So we have the real...I mean "real deal" here. (Did I do that right?) It also says to micro wave it for 10 seconds for a hot sizzlin' snack. No thanks. It seems weird to microwave such a healthy "food."
Wow. Still pretty fattening and 165 calories. Do you know what has less than that? Real jerky. Yeah. Protein. Meat walking around with a face that you stab off and eat it. (Too much?) Sorry I am just so "jazzed" about this "vegetarian jerky." The hard part about pretending to eat meat is that you also have to pretend that it is good, fun, and that you like it. If you do like it than rest assured in the fact that you like weird soy protein not meat. That is clear.
Upon opening the bag I encountered a smell. The smell was clearly of a pet store. You know the smell of the dog food aisle? Yup. These people have it in the bag. Literally. Until I let it out. Like a cat....(what?)
S-It just tastes like dog food. Gross.
d-It tastes like dog food. It smells like dog food. Does this company make dog food as well? I think I bought dog food. However I would feel bad giving this to a dog.
The texture is spongey and it reeks of dog. Do you think dogs are ever vegan by choice? Or are they all freegan because they eat cat poop because it is free and the cat pooped it willingly.?.
I give this snack a 0-if you are in middle school "new choice" your cool drawing that you are going to have the barbur shave into the sides of your head. Not because that isn't cool but because your drawing of a hollow arrow with a line thru the middle on each side that then drops down to meet in the back is about to make it look like you have a cock and balls shaved into the side of your head. And it is middle school. They still haven't let up on those saggy bike shorts.-out of 5. (Don't cry for me I have had more bad haircuts than you'd have seen at a Bikini Kill concert. Actually I have just had most of those haircuts.)
*Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy a long future of new choices. Till next time.
P.S.
You may notice that this post has two Kathleen Hanna references. I would recommend young women check out her and other feminist musicians and spend less time wanting to be famous for being pregnant at 16. Maybe someday women will be shown in media as powerful intellectuals instead of "crazy, slutty, wild girls!!" That would be a new choice.
(Too heavy of a final statement? Well, you simply can't new choice the truth.)
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