.FOOrD BLOrG. pOORLY cONcieved

It is true that everyday even the tiniest thing can teach us something about ourselves. Our alarm not going off can upset our routine which can tell us that our everyday patterns provide comfort for us. A person stopping at a crosswalk and smiling to tell us we may cross can actually make us thankful to be apart of this species and not loathe its ability to only think of itself. An expose on animal porn can teach us the relief of never having the urge to attend that kind of "petting" zoo. A t.v. show can alert us to the fact that we never want to go to New Jersey. Ever. Yes, even something as simple as the appearance of a snack can tell us something about ourselves. With that in mind, I give you:SLAPS!!!! So the proverbial gato is out of the bag here, this hails from Mexico. I know. (sigh) I know but they deserve a chance. (again and again) This was found at a mexican grocer out far out in PDX SE. There is a whole bunch of weirdness going on here. This treat is creative for sure but lets be honest, not every invention is good or needed really. Nonetheless this candy comes from 'Jose's Yummies' which sounds questionable already. Any dudes name before the word 'yummies' just sounds like a ploy to get somebody to ogle his manbits. For instance, Hanz's yummies, Dick's yummies, Harold's yummies, or my favorite- Barnaby's yummies. All pretty wangish. (Which is not a word....yet)
So as you can see here we have two flavors of slaps in the package of 15 for 1.29. (Yeah, that is a good sign.) Essentially what this appears to be is a fruit rollup not rolled up and with a stick. Yes, a stick like a lollypop stick. So once you remove the plastic pieces that surround the slap you can hold onto the stick from which the slap flacidly dangles. Mmmmmmm. Who wouldn't want that?
Hungry? Well I bit into a piece of this and the texture was far from what I expected. See I thought it was going to be more like a fruit situation but what we have is a gritty sugar situation. Normally that might appeal to me if it is sour enough. This is not and after two bites I dropped it in to the trash. Oh, I went with red by the way and it was not strawberry, cherry, raspberry, or anything berry really. My tongue feels funny and regrets being in my mouth. Perhaps the 'slap' this snack refers to is what happens to your mouth for expecting deliciousness from a treat from mexico. I didn't try yellow after that and I am not sure if I will. One slap was enough for me. Thank you, I do not want another. If this were some sort of S&M situation my safe word would be something along the lines of " Trust me you don't want Jose's Yummies in or near your mouth. I bet even Jose doesn't like his own yummies. Please for all that is delicious do not go forth and taste these demonic creations!"Too many words? Then maybe my safe word would simply be "wangish".
By now you are probably wanting me to divulge what I learned about myself thru 'Jose's yummies'. Was it the manbits/yummies thing? Was it that one of these picture looks like a jacked up condom? Nay, it was that when I first looked at these in the packaging I thought 'I bet that is what Willy Wonka's tongue looks like.' Which of course led to his entire body including: gum ball eyes, red rope intestines, circus peanut toes, to name a few. Oh and I also learned that I eat things before reading their due date. See below!
Ain't that just straight up wangish????

What did you learn?